Helpful hints. If you go to a party and you are a bit gassy, hang around by the table full of food. When you do have to let go (hopefully during some loud music) you can tell people that some of the food has spoiled. This will also afford you the opportunity to eat more food, after all, it would be a shame for it to go to waste.

 

I'm never getting another tattoo as long as I live. I wanted to get the words war and peace tattooed on my butt and they did the whole book.

 

Due to the overwhelming number of applicants, the position for tattooed lady at the carnival is no longer available.

 

Helpful hints. If you ever have a problem on windy days with your hat blowing off, a simple solution is to get a saucepan and wear it over your hat. This can also be handy if you suddenly decide you want to cook something while you're out.

 

This morning I got this great shot of pink flamingos in their natural habitat. I was able to sneak right up on them. They did not seem frightened at all.

 

When I dress up for a date in my white socks and bowling shirt, I always wear Acqua di Parma

 

Helpful hint. Make hearing aids from Frosty lids. Just save a couple of the dome shaped lids with the big hole in them and slip them on your ears with the dome facing outwards. You can even decorate them if you want. You will be amazed at how many people are talking about you behind your back, even people who never talked about you before!

 

I know a guy named Matt who lives alone, and so for his birthday I got him a Welcome Matt matt.

 

Helpful hints. If you're a person who is in the habit of biting your nails, a good way to stop this is to start scratching. The more you scratch, especially when you're not in public, the less you will bite your nails. Just remember not to shake hands with anyone, especially someone who is trying to stop biting their nails.

 

 

Helpful household hint. Make your own salt and save money. First you will need some chlorine gas. You can make this with some bleach and ammonia. Be careful, it is very poisonous. Now you will need some potassium which is a volatile metal. Heat the potassium till it is red hot. Drop it into the container of chlorine gas. The potassium will get white hot and then go out. The residue left on the inside of the container will be salt. Scrape it off and put it in your shaker. Imagine the money you will save.

 

I saw a sign that said "learn to read". Who is supposed to read that?

 

Another helpful household hint. The next time you take a bath, keep your clothes on and take those dishes with you too. You can get everything cleaned at once, save on utilities and soap, and maybe even come out smelling lemony fresh.

 

Message to the ice cream man. The slower you drive, the more you will sell.

 

Helpful hints. If you have a foot odor problem and people complain, soak your feet in cheese whiz and mustard. The next time people complain about the smell tell them, it’s not my feet, it's the cheese whiz and mustard.

 

Tips to save money. If you ever wanted to make pheasant under glass but thought it would be too expensive, get a plastic dome to replace the glass one. Pheasant under plastic tastes just as good

 

Play with peoples heads. Make a pineapple right side up cake

 

One time the check engine light came on in my car. It turned out to be a malfunctioning check engine light, so I had them install a check check engine light light.

 

All night long the relentless rain took its toll on the swarms of Canadian soldiers washing the carnage to the brick sidewalks below. In flocks, the birds sweep the grounds feasting on the carcasses of millions of insects. It's like being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

 

I have to stop biting my toenails. (Oh heck, did I think that or did I type it?)

 

There's nothing more embarrassing then having someone's advertisement on your pocket protector. You can remove it with rubbing alcohol and write your name in its place with a permanent marker. Embarrassment, goodbye!

 

Okay so everybody puts their recipes out for everyone else right? My turn. Here is how you make ice cream with corn flakes and pancake syrup. Take some ice cream and put on some corn flakes and then put on some pancake syrup. YUM!

 

Whenever I lose my mind, I look under the couch.

 

The latest trend in bottled water from California, "Pool Water of the Stars"

 

With all the adversity I've been through lately, I still feel I'm moving up. I should be on the 4th floor by next week.

 

Don't you hate it when you suddenly realize your call got dropped and you don't know how long you've been talking to nobody?

 

I like to put stuff on the BOTTOM of my Ritz crackers.

 

New shoes, new blisters

 

I lost five pounds today. I bought a bag of sugar and I can't remember where I put it.

 

I've been getting a lot of advice from my friends lately. I'm a bit confused. I don't know whether to go fly a kite

or go jump in the lake.

 

I was walking downtown wondering what to have for dinner when I saw a manhole cover. I guess I'll have waffles.

When I went swimming today, I got attacked by a school of fish. I am never wearing worm scented suntan lotion again!

 

I saw a cloud that looked just like mashed potatoes

 

I have 7 billion friends on this planet. I just haven't been around to meet them all yet

 

Never date girls that trim their nails with a pencil sharpener.

 

Man, I had a rough way to go out last night. All night long, I dreamt I couldn't sleep!

 

This is not the food that I ordered . My NAME is Onlyone Pierogi

 

When the Frenchman got on the roller coaster, while heading down the first hill, he was heard to say "Oui"

 

If you follow the sun, the shadows will always be behind you.

 

Is Turtle Wax made with real turtles?

 

Shoulden't it be  called a Teeth Bursh?